Provided by: Elizabeth Pantley
"Yesterday was one of those days," Claire sighed and then paused, as if she was reliving the day. "Everything Joshua did was grating on my nerves. It started as soon as he woke up and came downstairs. The first thing he did was open a new box of cereal and dump it all over the kitchen floor! Then he just stepped all over the mess and poured half a gallon of milk into his bowl. Then he was climbing on the counter-which he knows he's now allowed to do. Next thing you know he's coloring on the kitchen table. The table! No paper in sight! It seemed like I was yelling at him every five minutes. My nerves were raw and I was counting the minutes until bedtime-and then I spotted Josh cleaning his muddy truck in the bathroom sink! We've been through this before, and he knows he's not suppose to bring his muddy trucks in the house."
"As I approached the bathroom, all I could see was the muddy water dripping down the counter into a big puddle on the floor. I stomped into the bathroom, took a deep breath, and prepared to give him yet another high-volume lecture. I was so angry I was actually shaking. I understood for the first time why even the best of parents suddenly find themselves roughly grabbing their children and spanking them. I took hold of Joshua's arm and inadvertently, I glanced in the mirror."
"What I saw shocked me. I looked like a savage! My face was red, veins protruding on my neck and eyes wild with what appeared to be -- but was not -- hatred! This, I thought, all because of a muddy toy truck! It seemed so absurd that I suddenly found myself devoid of all my anger. Since I had Joshua's arm in my grip, I pulled him to me. I wrapped both my arms around him, hugging him for all I was worth and crying for that woman I saw in the mirror. Wordlessly, instinctively, Josh wrapped his tiny arms around me and hugged me back. After a few minutes, I glanced at the mirror-but this time, instead of the out-of-control angry mother I'd seen a moment ago, I saw my sweet, innocent little boy, cheeks smeared with mud, arms straining with the effort to hold me in this moment. I saw Love."
The Hidden Message
"I have a choice between yelling at you and hugging you. Because I love you, I will try to choose the hugging-and I will allow you to show me the good in myself in so doing."
Think About It
In every parent's life are days when everything your child does seems wrong, wrong, wrong-when he keeps breaking the rules and disrupting the peace. At times like these, it's so easy to punctuate the air with corrections, directions and reminders. Every misbehavior, every mistake, every childish action builds on the one before, and soon we allow our anger to rule our emotions.
Claire was lucky. Somehow she was able to get control of her anger before it got control of her. The result is not always so positive. Often, a very unpleasant scene erupts from our uncontrolled anger and our distinct lack of purpose. Caught up in an angry rush of adrenaline, we react instead of taking action. It's a domino effect, predictable and uncomfortable: We get angry; we react thoughtlessly; we punish, yell, swear or worse; the child cries; the anger builds. Banished from our sight, the child sulks off to plan revenge or to despair over the unfairness of life. And we are left to recover ever so slowly from our anger-suffering regret, sadness, embarrassment and shame. All in all, it's an oft-repeated play that gets bad reviews from audiences all the time, from every seat in the house.
Changes You Can Make
As much as we wish it were not so, anger is as much a part of parenting as changing diapers. There will always be misbehavior, mistakes and childish foolishness. There will always be things that we must get our children to do or to stop doing. There will always be unfulfilled expectations and outside pressures and stresses that reduce our tolerance level. But there is always love. And where there is love, there is always the motivation to improve, on all sides.
We can accept the reality of anger-but we should resist falling into the negative patterns it can so easily create. Instead, learning how to recognize and control our anger is crucial.
The first key to anger control is to shed the behaviors that fuel it. The most dangerous of these lurk in our own thoughts-negative, unforgiving, black-and-white thoughts such as: "Why is he doing this to me?" "She should know better!" "This is horrible!" "I can't take another minute of this!" We further pump up the volume on our anger by allowing ourselves the luxury of emotional tunnel vision: We see, hear and understand nothing beyond that which is creating our anger, thus magnifying it beyond actual proportion.
It follows, then, that controlling our own thoughts is a logical first step in staying even-keeled at these times. Promise yourself right now that, next time you feel your adrenaline rise, you will take a deep breath and repeat a calming mantra. Something like, "She's just a toddler." Or, "I can handle this." Or, "This too shall pass." Take a minute to look at your child and try to find the love that is hidden there. Remind yourself that she won't be little for long, and someday-trust me-you will miss this period of time.
If this doesn't pull you out of the whirlpool of anger, your next step is to put some space between you and your child. If that child is young, put him in his crib, playpen, or in the care of another adult. If that child can walk and talk, it's best if you avoid the time-out confrontation right now; instead, control what you can-your own behavior-and walk away to a quiet spot in your bedroom, bathroom or backyard. Think of this as your very own time-out, a time for you to gather your wits, calm yourself, and plan an appropriate response to the situation. This allows you to return to your child with a level head and a purposeful plan.
Like Claire, you'll likely discover that a change in your mind can cause a change in your heart.
(Excerpted with permission by NTC/Contemporary Publishing Group Inc. from Hidden Messages - What Our Words and Actions are Really Telling Our Children by Elizabeth Pantley, copyright 2001)
Elizabeth Pantley - www.pantley.com/elizabeth
Author of What Our Words and Actions are Really Telling Our Children. Visit her website for more information on her great parenting books.